Hoe is life?

#I’m #glad #women #are #writing #themselves #out #of #social #constraints.

The awareness that something was wrong (academically) started when I read Susan Faludi’s ‘Blame it on Feminism.’ I related to her as an academic. But, in hindsight, as a woman, I didn’t fully relate.

White women’s grandeouse feminism (during her time) had a fixation on dismantling Barbie. I’ve never owned a Barbie doll, or any doll for that matter so I am indifferent to it.

And now that I really think about it, my relationship to white feminism can be likened to Rihanna vs Madonna (not that they have beef, but hear me out).

Yes, “remember how we used to slut-shame Madonna? That totally worked out. Nobody ever had sex ever again. UNTIL RIHANNA,” wrote Lindy West.

It’s true, Rihanna became extremely popular for being a bad girl, and whenever we wanted to be bad (mostly from being heartbroken, even though we wouldn’t admit it), we would sing along to; “Is it bad that I never made love, I never did it, but I sure know how to fuck?” Rihanna became the spokesperson of ‘hoe is life.’

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Although ‘being generous with her vagina’ and not giving a fuck is her street cred, in a 2015 interview by Toyin Owoseje, Riri revealed that she doesn’t do casual sex. In fact, she said being single means she does get horny, she is a woman, and continued; “but what am I going to do − just find the first random cute dude that I think is going to be a great ride for the night and then tomorrow I wake up feeling empty and hollow?”

Like most of us, she associated casual sex with having the effects that drive her [or most women, for that matter] to wake up feeling guilty. Guilty for what, you may ask. I don’t know, but we do feel guilty, especially when we don’t get a call from that wo/man the next day. Isn’t it interesting that the baddest bitch in the game couldn’t have casual sex?

I wasn’t at all surprised because I had always seen a mushy-mushy sentimental girl behind the bad-girl image. My suspicions were confirmed when she took Chris Brown back after he almost killed her – girls who don’t give a shit don’t do such.

And, whether socially conditioned or by natural inclination, girls don’t want to be called sluts. Especially by men they really love.

Girls don’t want to be known (sexually) by multiple wo/men. Girls want to be ‘special’ and exclusive, somewhat pure and for girls, being in charge of our sexuality means saying NO, since we are always sexually sought after and forever hear “your body is your temple.”

So, for me, by the time the #HoeIsLife sensation came about, I had already had my fair share of trying to be with multiple men and calling it freedom. Whereas, there was always one man I was madly in love with paying me no attention, the rest of them were tools to deliver me from the temptation of calling him. He didn’t want me.

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Don’t get me wrong. I am not intertwining sex with multiple wo/men with heartbreak only, but I am saying that if I am really honest to the core, there was no freedom there for me. Because like most women, I could never really get to the bottomless hole of my sexual fantasies with casuals, nor could I explore and be spontaneous, fully. Let me even go as far as saying that sometimes, I tailored myself as a no-strings-attached girl after realizing that the dude wanted nothing serious. I wanted to feel like it was my decision.

Moreover, there was no freedom because it was important for me that the man I really loved didn’t know I was sleeping with others. I had to be pure for/to him. And, if he ‘saw’ me and made me his girlfriend, I was going to leave everything I was doing, regardless of the fact that he had been banging hoes left right and center. I knew it. I had caught him doing it. But, I still would give up my hoe life in a heart beat for him. Not only that, but even when I briefly dated a married man, I wanted him to see me as a loyal (sexually and otherwise) chick.

Call me stupid, but this is a default for many women. I am friends with very strong women, but being entered and exited with no emotions still hurts them like they are little girls.

Over the years, I learned that there is nothing wrong with that, as much as there is nothing wrong with women wanting to be hoes. I learned that my power and freedom as a woman doesn’t come from fucking this one and that one, but from fucking where I love and am loved; it comes from exploring sex with that one person, and allowing myself to be vulnerable to the fact that I might get fucked over with this loyalty BS, but that it’s okay.

I remember the full circle moment when I went on my healing journey, because the no-strings-attached obsession came from home, where we were taught to block out emotions. So, I was already a pro when I was in my twenties. To this day, men (except for my boyfriend) go on about how cold and unbothered I am.

All I know is that I couldn’t do it anymore. Life is holistic; your bedroom affects your boardroom, insurmountably. I need healthy relationships.

Sex buddies started having an after-taste of my father; absent and present at the same time. Not wanting full responsibility and accountability. It’s possible that I sought them because we look for our fathers, everywhere.

I wanted to feel what it’s really like to have someone hold on to me and not let me go when shit hits the fan. I was done with letting men curate how far I can go in attaching myself to them.

If your penis touches my clit, your balls sweat in my mouth and I am subjected to your come face, then I want to have the option to ask you to stay. And, you have to reciprocate.

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Nope, hoe isn’t life for me, not because I will NEVER be one, but because I don’t want to do it like this. I don’t owe social media and any ‘ism a ratchet sexuality, nor do I owe any man an angelic sexual demeanor.

To the women who are self-proclaimed hoes, in the hashtag and maybe reality of it, I am not invalidating your intelligence at all. I hope it’s about you, and that you find the maximum freedom in it, unlike me. I failed, dismally.

To those who are like me, who feel hollow and empty after casual sex, don’t allow yourself to die in the name of hashtags and likes. Dance to your own rhythm and choose a life that supports your sanity, darling. Did you know that healing is life?

One Comment Add yours

  1. Palesa says:

    I know all about healing and sleeping with different men to fill a void, and I know about loving a man and waiting for him to love you back. You are a Queen for stripping down naked and letting people in on your journey. Never let your past get in the way of who you are now and what you feeling. You wouldn’t have been the woman you are if you didn’t go through all of that. Let me share my healing with you, please read.

    So I thought to be single and dumped was a burden/curse but it wasn’t. It was meant for me to discover myself and understand what I need.

    My relationships were never mine but the person I was with, I had given them so much power and thought I had the most powerful tool.

    Sex isn’t powered it is a weakness and I used it as a mask to protect myself from being seen, I don’t blame the men that had come and gone in my life for sex because that’s what I sold them and they bought it.

    Its been 5months now without it and I don’t have the edge for sex and I feel so powerful. He said I would thank him when he dumped me but I didn’t understand what he meant because I was hurt and felt used.

    I am thankful he came around when he did and left the way he did, treated me the way he did, spoke to me the way he did, am really grateful because I learned so much about myself. I learned to be honest with the person I love, to not let anyone speak to me in a way that belittles me, to never settle when it hurts so much.
    I lost myself in sex and things of this world, I thought I could control. I am getting Palesa Johanna Mohlala back and
    she shocks me every day with what she’s capable of and I love her so much.

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