I have been having a writer’s block. I don’t know how to articulate the things that are happening to me. I think I’m in love. Actually, I know I am in love. My heart said yes, so fast.
Falling in love is like being a kid – running beside a boy through a gigantic wet and slippery vineyard, holding each other’s hands tight. You have to have faith that he won’t let go. The most unsettling thing is how fearless I am running along avenues I haven’t seen with a boy I don’t even know, who swept me off my feet from across the continent.
The most overwhelming thing is that I’d fly across the continent to say “Hi – how are you? It’s nice to . . . you know? See you, in person. Finally. Maybe we can have coffee?” I’d chew and swallow awkward moments as they come, I’d kiss him, I’d touch him, let him feel my heart beat – let him look into my eyes to see how much I now dream of seasons scattered, and us together through it all.
Autumns under trees, leaves falling on our heads, petals dying and everything golden – us reflecting. Mid-summer nights with drizzles in verandas or balconies seeing god within each other, talking through the night. Who knows? Maybe winters in farms, gumboots, mist, coal stove, porridge, no food, mattress on the floor, coughs, sneezes, mucus, laughter and love-making. Springs blossoming with our love’s rebirth, everything growing, roses forcing their way out through window seals – Sunday afternoons watching you on the grass through the window.
Inbetween seasons, I want you inside me. EVERYdamnTHING.
My belly gets full of longings and losses sometimes when I think of you – you make me realize the love I have been longing for, and the love I lost to alcohol, pride, dysfunction; parents who were constantly breaking and so, broke each other. Love has always been broken pieces, it left blood stains on the walls and echoes of cries. People went crazy. Became burning oceans. So, I sometimes ask myself; how crazy are you, having been marinated in ashes, to think you will dare make someone fall in love with you? What happens if you burn them?
Perhaps the most beautiful thing about this is that I don’t know. I don’t know what you’ll wake up thinking tomorrow, what I’ll be feeling, from which side the sun will rise and set and how out of reach the horizons will be? Fuck, I don’t even know what the price of milk will be. I actually don’t know a lot of things, except that whatever happens in my life now should be with you. I want to float with you, jump with you, fly with you, cook with you, water the plants with you, break things with you, mend with you, walk with you, run with you, lose myself with you and dream with you.
I also don’t want to scare you – know that if one day you decide this is no longer the journey you want to take, that’s okay – I will be fine. I will still fly and rise above mountains. I want the same for you if I ever leave – because we don’t only belong to each other, but to ourselves and the world.
I belong here; I don’t feel like galivanting anywhere else for now – it’s gonna be quite a long night. I love everything about you, even your flaws. Everything inside me says I should stay through the tribulations, that this is where I should be tested and defend the most. That this is where I want to invest. And that, this is also where I am not willing to fight to be seen, loved and recognised. This is where I won’t be trying to convince anyone to stay. This is where I am effortlessly selfless. You SEE me, you want me, you move things around to fit me in; you are all my prayers for love.