Women Ask…

Ladies, these are the questions you asked men, which poet Xabiso Vili happily answered.

Ziphozakhe Hlobo 

Hey Xabiso, how’s it? Thanks for agreeing to answer. I have collected 10 questions from women and the first one is;

If you were to save one thing from the world to start over what would you take? Wether it be a species of animal , car, colour, women, children, the elder, music, internet , movies, type of sport etc. Everything else dies just you and save that one thing?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili

The book “Indaba, my children” by Credo Mutwa. It would serve as the new bible. Black people would have intimate understanding of themselves from the get go

Ziphozakhe Hlobo

Nice! Secondly;

What’s with the side chicks?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili


Damn. This is a question I been asking. Like why is it ok all of a sudden.

I am polyamorous, right – so I believe in multiple loves. It’s completely ok to be monogamous but it has been sold to us as the only way to be – I really do think that there are polyamorous people out there living monogamous lives – so this side chick phenomena grows.

I think we need to be honest about what we want – disloyalty is not ok – in monogamous or polyamorous relationships. And we need to be ok with our partners’ honesty.

Ziphozakhe Hlobo

Wow. Damn! Okay…


What would you say pleases you the most in bed?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili

Blow jobs. I dig blow jobs so much! It’s not REALLY about the orgasm, right – it’s about the sensations. Lick the tip, the shaft. The different depths of swallow and the pace! Oh lordt! Blow jobs are glorious! Also, the face that women make when they orgasm – I swear, you can see all her truth in that singular moment

Ziphozakhe Hlobo

Hahahahaha! Hhhmmm.


Why are you so damn selfish?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili

I don’t know if we know how to be anything else. This is our default, unfortunately. I’m really sorry. But isn’t it beautiful to know that when we aren’t being selfish, when we give and give, we are fighting our default setting for you. I’ll try be better but there is no reason why we are this way. We just are

Ziphozakhe Hlobo

I love your answers!

Fifth one;

How do men reveal emotions?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili

Grin emoticon

Like a flood, like a burst dam. I think we soak it all in, drop by drop until it becomes too much. Then we explode. It’s not healthy but this is what were taught – to hide our emotions but it’s not human for them to stay hidden forever. So we explode and every man has his own form of explosion. It’s different for all of us

Ziphozakhe Hlobo


Can you sleep with a woman for six months or more and not catch feelings?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili

Yoh! You’re not out here making any of these questions easy, hey.

I think yes, you can. But you’d have to be working really hard not to. It’s possible but it’s not recommendable! Why are you fighting catching feelings so much. What are you afraid of? Catching feelings is not the end of the world, we need to open up more anyway – allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Ziphozakhe Hlobo


What do you look for in a woman?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili

I’m always initially drawn by the smile! Oh lord! A woman with a beautiful smile and a contagious laugh makes my heart go boom boom. Then you have the obvious physical things – I can’t even pin point what makes a woman sexually attractive to me because my own tastes vary so widely! But sexual attraction is important – But personality seals it – intelligence, passion, kindness, curiosity and a bit of a wild side! These things are beautiful!

But the ability to be unashamedly yourself, that wins it all for me. That’s the jackpot, the winning lottery ticket

Ziphozakhe Hlobo

Lol at winning lottery ticket!

Eighth one;

Why do some men fight feminism more than they fight rapists?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili

It’s a lack of self-introspection me thinks. It’s easier to point a finger and be like “y’all are being sexist” or say some shit like “here come the femme nazis” (am I allowed to swear?) than to look into ourselves and realise that we’re part of the problem. It’s difficult to acknowledge your privilege because it comes with giving shit up. If we admit and say we are part of the rape culture and start being feminist we have to stop cat calling women on the street, we have to let go of the patriarchal family and value system which so greatly favours us. But if we keep victim blaming and fighting the “other” we get to hold onto our power just a little bit longer and our privilege doesn’t let us see that if one suffers, we all suffer


Ziphozakhe Hlobo

Yes, true. This needs to be looked at deeply.

Number 9;

At what point can a woman say “damn, he is into me!”…. Like what are the signs?


Xabiso Zanabo Vili

Eish, this one is different for almost everyone. But perhaps these are some things to watch out for. But just because you see these things doesn’t mean it’s 100%

The best thing is to listen to his body, I would think

If you give him a high 5 and your hands linger or even intertwine – that’s a good indicator of interest.

Elongated, pronounced or frequent bodily contact

Trying to be in your personal space more often

I would think that if you start noticing these things and you start doing the same things and open yourself up – things should progress naturally

But attraction is not a science and attraction manifests for different people differently – I think if we ever want to know we must just ask the question; “Do you like me” and let’s see what happens

Ziphozakhe Hlobo

Last one;

What are the main things that construct the idea that you are a man (good or bad)


Xabiso Zanabo Vili


How do you even start to answer that question?!

As a people we haven’t gone near that question.

When I was in the mountain, I found those definitions antiquated and patriarchal and almost too far removed from my reality. This 21st century reality with the cachets and transgender and bisexual and gay and gender vs sex and and and and

Or maybe I’m complicating things. Maybe this being a man thing is simple.

I’ll tell you what I know, we’re meant to keep our loved ones safe but these days we have to allow our loved ones to keep us safe as well. We don’t have to be breadwinners anymore, the role of the “MAN” of the house is changing because the role of the man is changing. I believe in a time where a man can dress in drag and still be regarded a man. I don’t think you need to be overtly masculine anymore, you don’t need to kill a cow in the kraal (I’m vegetarian) or be big, bulky and muscular.

There are many forms of manhood and they’re all growing and changing and evolving and not everybody sees this yet but it can’t be denied.

We are in the process of defining our manhood.

Ziphozakhe Hlobo

Okay. Very insightful.

Can I ask you a bonus question, lol.

What is the toughest and most daunting expectation that society expects of a man? Why?

Xabiso Zanabo Vili


This tough exterior we’re always meant be portraying is so daunting and dangerous. And, I think, most of the time its other men expecting other men to be tough – it’s always our brothers and fathers and uncles telling us to toughen up. Almost like we’re not allowed to be soft, sensitive – as though these aren’t valued traits. I think there is space for hard and soft and if you ignore one of those then you become unbalanced and out of touch

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s